After future Hall of Famer Alex Rodriguez suddenly announced his retirement from baseball during the middle of the season, the New York Yankees scrambled to find a worthy replacement who could match the former slugger’s 2016 offensive production. Fortunately, the organization was able to find a mop from within their organization’s farm system.

“Yeah, Moppy should be good for us,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said. “We’ll just stand him up in the batter’s box and hope for the best. And if the opposing pitcher hits him in the handle enough times, Moppy’s OBP should match Alex’s, give or take.”

Moppy, which had been toiling away for 13 years as a cleaning implement at the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Triple-A stadium, quickly called his parents upon receiving the news. The parents shed tears and/or gross mop water. It was probably mop water, since mops don’t have eyes or emotions. And it probably was just two random mops, and not Mop’s parents, because that’s not a thing.

Following in the longstanding Yankees tradition, Mop was forced to get a haircut that trimmed his lengthy cleaning tendrils down to only a few inches.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.