The Steinbrenner Family Trust announced plans for a $4.3 billion renovation which will finally provide a private enclave of seats specifically for landed gentry and their distinguished guests.

“It’s good to remind our players that there are people in this world with way more money than them, who can crush them with a single phone call,” said Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner.

Yankees fans at the Silver, Gold, and Platinum Levels will maintain their current amenities. Ticket holders in the newly-formed Ununseptium Level, however, will have a seat-side phone from which they can order the manager to bunt or steal.


Seats in the Landed Gentry section are cushioned with the finest California condor feathers, and monocles and opera glasses shall be provided to patrons free of charge. These should be unnecessary, though, as ticket holders are encouraged to sit wherever they would be most comfortable, including the pitcher’s mound.

Beer will remain at full price for all patrons.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.