New York-based father of two Zeke Fillums recently set the world record in the hammer throw, hurling his 20-ounce curve claw hammer a staggering 89.34 meters out of his living room window, as the IKEA table he intended to build collapsed for a third time.

“Daddy’s not mad, daddy is just frustrated because there are literally no words in this manual,” explained Zane to his son Corey, who looked on in shock.

“He hasn’t referred to himself in the third-person as ‘daddy’ like that in like seven years,” the high school sophomore later confirmed. “Something’s up, dude.”

Per international rules, the United States Olympic Committee came to the Fillums family home to both verify the record and ensure that Fillums’ rage issues were under control and that he did not pose a danger to the children in the house.

“I don’t need a world record. I need a goddamn horizontal surface in the living room to put my mail and my books when I get home from work,” said Fillums, who was told by several Ikea employees that this particular model was “a breeze” to put together.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.