NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced new rules to curb the fan-unfriendly practice of “hacking” shitty foul shooters, thereby allowing these shitty foul shooters to remain blissfully shitty. And with that particular NBA problem taken care of, Silver’s team is currently looking into ways to reward players who are shitty at dribbling the basketball as well.

“An idea was floated, wherein you couldn’t steal the ball from someone who was shitty at dribbling during the first 16 seconds of the shot clock,” Silver said. “We feel that’s enough time for the shitty dribbler to dumbly dribble the ball off his own foot like the shitty idiot he is.”

The NBA has reportedly settled on a new policy that will allow shitty dribblers to use two “shitty dribbling do-overs” per game, whenever they make a dumb or shitty decision with the ball. These do-overs cannot be used during the final two minutes of the fourth quarter or later, as the league feels these players must deal with their own shittiness when the game is on the line.


“At its heart, the NBA is an entertainment product, and watching a shitty 7-foot gallumph dribble like he’s never held a basketball in his life is decidedly not entertaining,” Silver stated. “Well, it’s pretty funny I guess, but it’s not great for the game.”

Silver has also looked into rule changes that would help keep shitty general managers from making god-awful trades, but he decided it would be impossible during his lifetime.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.