The NFL season’s first full day of games began at 1:00 EST today, around the same time that the ESPN fantasy app stopped working, leaving millions of America just watching football for no apparent reason.

“Oh, great, that white jersey guy just scored a touchdown against the red jersey guy,” said Reno, Nevada resident George Randolph. “Did I draft him? I hope so.”

Approximately one in ten football watchers remembered most of the players they had drafted and tried to manually add up their points. However, they all quickly gave up when they realized that they didn’t actually know how many points a touchdown, catch, or yard gained was worth, and that they had absolutely no idea which players were on the team they were facing.


Most of them still left the TV on in the background while they stared at their computer screens, hitting Refresh over and over again.

“I don’t know, this isn’t so bad,” said Charlotte, North Carolina resident and fantasy football player Matt Fishman. “It’s still exciting and everything to watch two teams compete and JESUS CHRIST JUST LOAD ALREADY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.