Minutes after signing his historic $140 million deal with the Indianapolis Colts, quarterback Andrew Luck went on a lovely shopping spree to purchase his very own center, guards, and tackles to protect him this season.

The shopping montage throughout the city of Indianapolis was generously scored by Katrina and the Waves’ “Walking On Sunshine.” The joyous lyrics and upbeat rhythms provided the perfect backdrop to Luck’s gleeful adventure.

“Oooh, he’s 6’6”, 350, but still runs a 4.5 forty? Let’s get him!” Luck gushed to his personal shopper Mandy, who coyly pursed her lips, lowered her sunglasses over her nose, and said, “Oh yeah. That’s the one.”


Feeling spicy, Luck then splurged on a sixth offensive lineman to backup his current stable. Though the price felt a bit steep, Luck was reassured by several of his shopping buddies: “You only live once, Andy! Treat yourself — you deserve this!”

Luck was then seen catching his breath after a whirlwind morning at a local brunch spot, clinking mimosa glasses with team owner Jim Irsay, as the newly-purchased offensive line waited patiently in their shopping bags.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.