Wait, so you’re telling me there are NFL teams who are willing to pay MILLIONS OF DOLLARS for an insanely talented and young receiver, even though he already ADMITTED to smoking weed? That’s what you’re saying?

That not one, but SEVERAL, NFL franchises are willing to risk their seasons on a guy who is universally lauded for his ability to single-handledly drag mediocre quarterbacks to pretty incredible heights but who also smoked a drug that is legal in 17 states (with more coming soon) and is smoked by no fewer than 30 million Americans regularly? That’s INSANE.

I think we can all agree that watching Michael Phelps in the Olympics was disastrously unsatisfying because he smoked weed at least one time THAT WE KNOW ABOUT. He should have been banned from the sport, and all sports, and America!, that very day. Frankly, I can’t believe his teammates were even willing to be on the same relays with a weed smoker like that.

Everyone knows that marijuana gives players an unfair advantage in their sports. You get sleepy and hungry, and you finally understand why “The Matrix” really DID need to be a trilogy. All of those are huge assets for an NFL player, and someone who smokes weed should not be allowed to have them.

PS. You can’t get fired as an internet writer for smoking weed, right? Asking for a friend.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.