In a strange legal maneuver, five members of the #1 ranked US women’s soccer team announced Thursday morning that they are suing the US Soccer Federation for being paid nearly four times less than the #30 ranked men’s team.

The women, led by self-described “co-captains of the US women’s team”, Carli Lloyd and Becky Sauerbrunn, say that “gender” is responsible for the disparity in pay awarded by FIFA and the USSF.

The female soccer-hobbyists say that they generated nearly $20 million more in revenue than their male counterparts in 2015, largely thanks to an apparent first-place finish in the “Women’s World Cup”. Oddly, the men’s 4th-place finish in the illustrious Gold Cup went unmentioned.


Though “bonuses” are cited as one of the key wage disparities between men’s and women’s soccer, the women do not acknowledge that they were each awarded a gaudy $75,000 bonus for their “Women’s World Cup” title. Conversely, not a single member of the Men’s team received the $400,000 World Cup winner’s bonus, due to “not winning.”

In even more befuddling news, sources close to the team report that no one has suggested the women’s players fill this “wage gap” by selling their gold-plated Olympic Medals.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.