As it turns out, the Warriors were not done making splashy free agent moves after signing superstar Kevin Durant. Golden State announced this morning that they had inked a broken Essentials Series E1000 office chair to a three-year deal.

“We’ve arguably got four of the best 10 players in the league in our starting five,” beamed Warriors head coach Steve Kerr. “Doesn’t really matter who’s defending down on the block.”

“But actually, he did stop Yi Jianlian from scoring during a scrimmage we watched,” Kerr added. “We were impressed.”


Various reports indicate that the broken office chair’s contract is worth upwards of $0 million over the life of its deal, as office chairs are famously terrible negotiators. However, the chair’s original team, an Office Depot in Chico, CA, will be given 72 hours to match the Warriors offer.

Though office chairs do not need houses or food, making money a useless frivolity for their kind, the NBA Players’ Association plans to contest feverishly against the league’s first zero-dollar contract.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.