Dubbing Steph Curry’s forthcoming stretch run performance “the greatest athletic achievement of his career,” the Golden State Warriors have announced that fans will now only be watch the reigning MVP play on the streaming app Tidal.

“STEPH WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE ON TV. YOU CAN FIND HIM EXCLUSIVELY ON TIDAL,” Warriors general manager Bob Myers wrote in a 4,000-word Twitter rant.

Prior to the Warriors’ game in Portland tonight, Curry was seen morosely sinking forty-foot jumpers in front of Tidal’s three subscribers. However, an estimated 20,000 fans are expected to pirate Curry’s performance by seeing the game in person.


The Jay Z-owned app also boasts exclusive rights to Kanye West’s latest album The Life of Pablo and, in a philanthropic move, all 76ers games.

“No one should have to see that,” said Jay Z.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.