Insiders close to Dwyane Wade and the Miami Heat knew the two camps’ frayed relationship had grown contentious, but no one could have predicted this. In a public blowout argument, the pair simply refused to budge when dividing up Wade’s sizable franchise record collection.

“They are more than welcome to keep my team records for Most Field Goal Misses and Most Turnovers,” said Wade. “But there’s no way I’m not bringing Most Points with me to Chicago. I earned those points, with my shooting and my dunking.”


In order to help resolve the situation amicably, Heat center Hassan Whiteside offered to divvy up his franchise record for Highest Field Goal Percentage. However, Wade, Wade’s agent, Heat owner Micky Arison, and everyone else in earshot all said, in unison, “Shut up, Hassan. You’re not helping.”

Sadly, distracted by all the acrimony, Wade’s lawyers and the Heat’s legal team never received the chance to split up Wade’s impressive collection of vintage LPs. His mint-condition “Rubber Soul” and live recording of Ziggy Stardust are expected to enter heavy arbitration before the start of the NBA season.

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.