We were all bummed out after losing to our divisional rivals, so our fearless leader Aaron Rodgers offered to take us to Dairy Queen for a team-wide pick-me-up. He’s the best like that.

But I don’t know why we foolishly thought the Vikings defense was done torturing poor old Aaron. They were definitely not done.

Now, many of us have worked in the restaurant industry, so we know that carrying a tray filled with heavy drinks is difficult. And even though none of us have ever worked in the restaurant industry — I made that up to sound credible — we should have known that this wouldn’t end well.


We tried to offer some protection, but the Vikings’ moves were too fast and aggressive. The pocket quickly collapsed, and next thing we knew, nearly $17-worth of DQ merchandise was spilled all over the floor. Don’t cry over spilled milk, sure, but definitely sob like a little baby over spilled milkshakes.

And then the DQ manager got mad at US!! We were like “Hey, didn’t you see those guys wearing purple? It was THEIR fault!” But he was from Minnesota, so he just laughed and knocked more stuff out of Aaron’s hands.

I just wanna go home to Wisconsin. People here are mean. 10,000 lakes? More like 10,000 jerks.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.