With the Golden State Warriors unable to close out the NBA Finals on their home floor in Game 5, team owner Joe Lacob generously donated three tons of unused blue and gold confetti to Parties Without Borders, a non-profit organization that “throws bodacious parties all over the glizzobe.”

“Turns out, our color scheme is highly desirable in several less-fortunate international party circles,” Lacob said. “We have had several successful parties in this part of the world recently: the Warriors championship last year, Facebook’s IPO, Pablo Sandoval’s Send-off Bash. It was only right to share our bounty with others.”

The confetti will be transported on a large scow across the Pacific, a trek that itself is expected to become a party, as transportation was provided by Richard Branson’s new foundation “Sick Party Boats 4 All.”


Asked what Lacob will do about the newfound lack of confetti if the Warriors cannot finish the series in Game 6 (held in Cleveland), Lacob simply smirked and said, “Uh, we’ll have Draymond in Game 6. Next question.”

But there was no next question, because it wasn’t a press conference.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.