After being beaten by Novak Djokovic for the 8th time in 10 career Grand Slam matches, Andy Murray was told by First Minister Nicola Sturgeon that he would be expected to make the “swim of atonement” back to his native Scotland.

“You fought valiantly, making it to the finals,” Sturgeon reportedly told Murray over the phone. “Now go get your f***ing shine box and hop in that cold-ass water.”

Murray protested, noting that the possibility of there being “sharks or worse” along the prescribed swimming route, before Queen Elizabeth II hopped on the phone told him to have “a snort of Glenlivet and dive the f*** in before I make you do it stark naked.”

Even with tennis racquets attached to his feet for extra propulsion, Murray had only progressed 200 metres from shore after 3 hours of futile swimming against the rip tide. Onlookers also questioned Murray’s curious decision to depart from the south side of France.

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.