After numerous grievances from the women’s national team, the United States Soccer Federation pledged to “fix up” the active volcano protruding from field in Hawaii where the team is scheduled to play.

“The men would never be asked to play in conditions like these,” said Alex Morgan, as she applied salve to the lava burns on her knees. “It is long overdue for the organization to address the inequalities in our sport.”

U.S. Soccer officials said they have contacted prominent geologists and seismologists to address the problem of the thundering volcano. However, women’s national team members say that the problems go far beyond the volcanic activity.

“I mean the list is endless,” said an exasperated Tobin Heath. “Often, our turf is actually made of old tires and broken glass. Our goals are just dumpsters tipped on their sides. While the men get to travel to games by plane or luxury bus, we travel in a caravan of rickshaws.”

The women’s team was finally forced to take a stand and pull out of an upcoming friendly upon learning the match was scheduled to be played in an olympic-sized pool.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.