The town of Shoreham, Massachusetts was rocked this holiday season, as blood tests revealed that six of the town’s top ten finishers in the annual “Turkey Trot 5K” had been using illegal amphetamines and other performance-enhancing substances.

Carly Redford, age 11, who won the Young Turkeys Female Division with a time of 22:31, tearfully admitted that she should have been more diligent in reading the labels of energy drinks provided to her by her Russian trainer Wladimir Kuznieski.

Meanwhile, Porter Elliman, 86, finished his 42nd consecutive Turkey Trot with a suspiciously fast PR of 15:03. Elliman’s wife Lucille told reporters that their “vacation” to Germany over the summer was actually spent at an experimental treatment center that injects illegally high levels of platelets into the blood stream, increasing energy and shortening recovery time.

“It’s a real shame,” said Shoreham Mayor Edna Fells. “We were trying to raise money for some desperately-needed repairs to the Community Center roof, but I suppose it can just be so easy get caught up in the competitive element.”

Acting on an anonymous tip, Shoreham PD officers then searched Mayor Fells’ purse and car, allegedly finding hypodermic needles and various other drug paraphernalia. Fells was handcuffed and led to a local holding cell, where she is awaiting trial on suspicion of trafficking a red blood cell booster called erythropoietin.

Fells’ attorney, who finished fourth in the Men’s 40-55 Division, is currently being investigated for use of human growth hormone (HGH) and could not be reached for comment.

Also, happy Thanksgiving.



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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.