US presidential hopeful Donald Trump made a passionate stump speech early this morning, bemoaning the international outsourcing of jobs and the fact that, “literally the only thing that is made in America is OJ Simpson, according to a documentary poster I saw today.”

“Granted, he was a talented runner and a gifted back,” Trump said to a large throng of supporters. “But in my version of America, there are primetime documentaries about other things that are made in America. Corn. Titanium. Engines. Those little Russian dolls.”


According to press notes from ABC, which is currently broadcasting OJ Simpson: Made in America, the 8-part documentary deals with the lead-up to Simpson’s homicide trial and in no way is about anything related to domestic products or the nation’s economy.

“I don’t care about documentaries or television shows — except for re-runs of The Apprentice that I’m on and collect residuals for — or things of that nature, I care about the American people!” yelled Trump to another wave of thrilled screams. “We need to stop letting China and Mexico make all our running backs!”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.