As Cam Newton once again pouted to reporters after a loss, Donald Trump studiously watched and privately took notes from Trump Tower. The press has obtained copies of Trump’s notes, which include such bits as “say next question” and “make it uncomfortable for everyone.”

“The only person who hates to lose more than Mr. Trump is Cam Newton,” said Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. “Mr. Trump doesn’t plan on losing the election. But if he does, he plans on accepting the outcome like an MVP.”

According to sources within his campaign, Trump was taken by Newton’s passive-aggressive pout, as it was both self-serving and showed no regard for the media.


Trump also reportedly reviewed tape of last year’s Super Bowl loss, admiring Newton’s ability to shift focus away from Manning’s victory back onto himself.

“The children of this country could learn a thing or two from these men,” said Conway. “Never accept defeat. Even after you’re clearly defeated.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.