Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump made several startling remarks this morning, calling upon all American Olympians to give back their “silver or bronze loser medals, because the America that I know is for winners.”
“Give it back, you loser,” Trump shouted at Michael Phelps, who took silver in the Men’s 100 Meter Butterfly. “What a disgrace, that you couldn’t beat that loser from… what the hell is Singapore?”
“Singapore? Is that even a country?” continued Trump. “It even has the syllable “poor” in it. What a loser country that must be.”
The United States have won over 40 bronze and silver medals thus far in 2016, with many events still remaining. But each second- and third-place finish, according to Trump, represents a systematic destruction of the image that we are trying to present to the world.
“Whoever heard of a bronze statue? They’re all gold where I come from,” affirmed Trump. “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, aka immigrants, and the other is gold, aka my new best friend Katie Ledecky.”
After learning that Ledecky actually took silver in the Women’s 4×100 Meter Freestyle Relay, Trump immediately began sobbing into his stiff, golden hanky.