Therapist: Hello, welcome. You can both have a seat on that couch there. Can I offer you anything? Water? Coffee?

The Media: Coffee, please.

KD: Nothing for me.

Therapist: Alright, well, let’s get started. I like to dive right into these sessions by just giving each of you a moment to lay some of your grievances out in the open. Now, while one of you is speaking, please do not interrupt. This is a time to grow. There will be time to make our opinions heard. Who would like to start?

The Media: Kevin? Care to begin? I know how you love sharing your feelings.

KD: What’s that supposed to mean?

The Media: Go on, Kevin. Tell the nice lady how I don’t know sh– about sh–!

Therapist: Let’s calm down and stay focused on why we’re here. You are here because deep down you both love each other. Kevin, why don’t you start?

KD: Ok, I just feel like whatever I do, whatever my team does, The Media is always trying to nitpick us. And they never think you are talking to them the right way. Like if I’m open and honest, they think I hate them. If I keep to myself or stick to a script, that’s not good enough either. I mean, I don’t know what they want from me.

Therapist: Wow, very good. Thank you for sharing. Now, The Media, would you care to express yourself?

The Media: I guess my main feeling is, like, this is the thanks I get? I’m sorry but I make this man money. I could choose to focus elsewhere. Who was there for you while you were injured, huh? Who kept publishing articles about you when you were nowhere to be seen. I have done everything for you, and I feel I am not appreciated at all.

KD: That’s rich!

The Media: You’re nothing without me!

KD: You’re so backward! You don’t know sh–!

The Media: You see? You see how he treats me?

Therapist: Please! People! Calm down. Take a couple breaths. It’s important to remember the reason we are both here is love. For instance, Kevin, think about how the media has helped turn you into one of the biggest, most successful brands in basketball.

KD: I guess that’s true. They must have played a part in that Nike deal.

Therapist: Right! And The Media, think about all that amazing stuff Kevin does on the court that make people want to read about him. That helps you sell ads. That keeps you going.

The Media: I guess you’re right. It’s just so easy to lose sight of that sometimes. Kevin? I’m sorry.

KD: I’m sorry too. I actually do love you.

Therapist: And so next time you are feeling frustrated just come back the core of what is most important in this relationship: money. Or, um, love.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.