10) Dirk Nowitzki, Mavericks: Work up the nerve to pitch Mark Cuban on business idea: Nowitz-skis – Skis for Tall German Men.

via foxnews.com

9) Amar’e Stoudemire, Heat: Have a bigger role in Trainwreck 2: I Kneed You.

via amarestoudemire.com

8) Russell Westbrook, Thunder: Apologize to all the rims he’s hurt.

via gamedayrcom.c.presscdn.com

7) Gilbert Arenas, Shanghai Sharks: Launch line of tasteful men’s basketball thongs.

6) Tim Duncan, Spurs: Send gift basket to voodoo aging specialist in Virgin Islands.

via hardwoodparoxysm.com

5) Kristaps Porzingis, Knicks: Finally take that trip to the Times Square Olive Garden with Melo that they’ve been talking about for months.

via bleacherreport.com

4) Rajon Rondo, Kings: Glare at some more refs.

via clutchpoints.com

3) Jason Kidd, Bucks: Say “Sorry, “I’m not sorry.” to the Nets.

via isportsweb.com

2) James Harden, Rockets: Finally make that cake.

via isportsweb.com

1) Steph Curry, Warriors: Wake up from three months of being utterly unconscious.

via sorry4theblog.com

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.