10) Madison Bumgarner, Giants: Set up sustainable cattle ranch on outfield grass.

via si.com

9) David Ortiz, Red Sox: Become the first person to play first base while sitting in a deck chair.

via gammonsdaily.com

8) Rob Manfred, Commish: Decrease time between innings to 3.5 seconds.


7) Bryce Harper, Nationals: Finish screenplay draft for 2019 film “Bryce’s Millions”.

via nytimes.com

6) Giancarlo Stanton’s Bat, Marlins: Remember to take Advil before all games.

via sports.yahoo.com

5) Mike Trout, Angels: Pre-apologize to all fantasy players in America who don’t have him on their team.

via gammonsdaily.com

4) Derek Jeter, Retired: Hire another 27 Senior Editors for the Players’ Tribune.

via adweek.com

3) Yasiel Puig, Dodgers: Not give a f*ck about dumb sh*t like New Year’s resolutions.

via fansided.com

2) Pete Rose, Exiled: Stop standing outside Cooperstown city limits holding up a boombox.

via foxsports.com

1) Jason Heyward, Cubs: I’m good, haha.

via espn.com

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.