10) Madison Bumgarner, Giants: Set up sustainable cattle ranch on outfield grass.
9) David Ortiz, Red Sox: Become the first person to play first base while sitting in a deck chair.
8) Rob Manfred, Commish: Decrease time between innings to 3.5 seconds.
7) Bryce Harper, Nationals: Finish screenplay draft for 2019 film “Bryce’s Millions”.
6) Giancarlo Stanton’s Bat, Marlins: Remember to take Advil before all games.
5) Mike Trout, Angels: Pre-apologize to all fantasy players in America who don’t have him on their team.
4) Derek Jeter, Retired: Hire another 27 Senior Editors for the Players’ Tribune.
3) Yasiel Puig, Dodgers: Not give a f*ck about dumb sh*t like New Year’s resolutions.
2) Pete Rose, Exiled: Stop standing outside Cooperstown city limits holding up a boombox.
1) Jason Heyward, Cubs: I’m good, haha.