NASCAR legend Tony Stewart has announced his retirement after the 2016 season, at which point his 200 mile per hour driving will be confined only to public roads and highways.

“Yeah, I think it’s about time for me to take it easy,” said the 17-year NASCAR veteran. “Just drifting around tight corners in crowded mall parking lots and passing chumps in Ferraris with limited visibility. That’s the life for me.”


Stewart’s family seems glad that Tony has found a meaningful activity to stay active into his Golden Years. Most retiring NASCAR drivers simply drive in circles for days on end, listening to Bruce Springsteen’s Glory Days.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.