At 34, Tony Parker has lost a step or two since his prime – but he still finds a way to keep up with opposing guards more than a decade his junior. How does he do it? One word, two shoes, two wheels: Heelys.

“When I lean my foot back, it rolls, see?” said Parker, showing off his sick shoes to some third graders. “Dude, I can go so fast.”

“They look weird, Ton.”


Parker has credited his switch to Heelys as the source of his improved defensive and fast break abilities. He added that former teammate Tim Duncan asked Parker to pick him up a pair too, “not for games, just for the style.”

When asked to comment on his teammates’ shoes, Kawhi Leonard called them “too flashy” and “impractical.”

“You can get some perfectly adequate Skechers at the GAP for $9.99,” said Kawhi. “It’s like, ‘um, hello Tony, just because we live fortunate lives doesn’t mean we need to flaunt our wealth.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.