Record-setting Patriots quarterback and recently-exonerated accused ball deflation mastermind Tom Brady has vowed to dedicate his remaining years on Earth to finding the real ball deflator.

“The real deflator is still out there,” Tom Brady said at a tearful press conference. “I will not rest — except for my nine hours of sleep per night, which are so important, kids — until he or she or they is or are brought to justice.”


Brady has also said he will not stop at simply finding the perpetrator, refusing to believe in the “Lone Needleman” theory soon to be popularized by an upcoming Oliver Stone movie.

“Whoever did this did not act alone,” the four-time Super Bowl champion said, in response to a question about his slot receivers. “I will find the people who were, or might have been, generally aware of this crime as well. Because having a vague awareness is a crime, or something, probably. What? I dunno. Dude, I’m tired.”

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.