Patriots quarterback and future Hall of Famer Tom Brady has announced that he will retire a full five years in the future, make sure to give himself 80 games to match the NBA’s Kobe Bryant universally beloved farewell tour.
“I can’t wait to see what gifts Rex Ryan and the Bills will give me,” Brady mused. “And it better be something cool and different all ten times we play between now and when I retire.”
Brady reserves the right, however, to continue playing well after 2021, as he “will only be a sprightly 42 by then.” If he finds himself physically unable to handle the rigors of playing quarterback, Brady explained that he will simply cut “those fattening grilled vegetables” out of his diet in exchange for pure, raw vegetable meal.
“And in my last game, which hopefully will be against the Jets as they desperately try to secure a playoff spot even though we’ve already locked up the number-one seed, I’m going to throw the ball 100 times,” Brady said, his eyes glinting with pre-excitement.