Tiger Woods is embracing his new role on the Ryder Cup U.S. team as vice captain, but sources report that the once-dominant golf legend has been trying a little too hard to impress this year’s team.


Real, real warm in there.

“Yeah, no, I’m just cold,” said Woods, slouching forward while wearing four green jackets at once. “I’ve just gotten so used to wearing all these green jackets that I won at all those Masters tournaments over the years, that I feel funny taking them off.”


“You guys know where I got these? The Masters.”

Woods has been called both ‘helpful’ and ‘desperate for attention’ by Ryder Cup participants.

“I asked him to fetch me some Gatorade, and he did, right away!” said Jordan Spieth. “But he served it to me in a Claret Jug. He said, ‘don’t worry, I won three of these at the British Open in 2000, 2005, and 2006. It’s ok if one gets a little sticky.’ Like, does he just keep his Claret Jugs with him at all times?”


“Uhhh, thanks, Tiger.”

Woods has also given the U.S. team plenty of “valuable golf advice”, in the form of VHS recordings of all 14 of his major championship wins.

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