I’m a man of simple pleasures.

To me, a perfect day is sipping a 64-ounce Mountain Dew while setting my FanDuel line-up in the comfort of my own brothel.

But you, New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, won’t let me.

Seriously, what’s next? You gonna eliminate the tree-lighting ceremony in Rockefeller Center because of the risk of electrical fire? Take away the subways because plastic seats are shown to exacerbate blindness in blind people? Pave over the parks because ‘grass’ is a slang term for marijuana or meth (I can’t remember which)?

What the heck am I supposed to do for fun now, Eric? Drive to Atlantic City on weekends to play blackjack or poker or roulette or craps or slots? Gamble on football games through that bookie that goes to my son’s middle school?


Go sledding with my kids? They suck at sledding. They always fall off.

And then they want me to pick them up out of the snow, but usually I just say, “One second, honey, daddy just needs to set his line-up.” And my kids are like, “We understand, daddy. Great job knowing Devonta Freeman is undervalued this week.”

See? At least they understand that I’m playing a skill game, so I will be making money in the long run regardless of past performance. It’s money I can use to purchase necessities like monthly subscriptions to daily fantasy advice apps and more sleds (because ours are now broken, thanks to you, Madison).

Also, FanDuel, if you’re reading this, I have approximately $18,534, give or take, still in my FanDuel account. Could you please send me a check ASAP while this mess is being sorted out? Thx.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.