JJ Watt, defensive superstar for the Houston Texans, led his team to another crucial win last night. According to sources close to the Texans, the effort was catapulted by a white lie told to him by the coaching staff.

“Yeah, we might’ve told JJ that [opposing quarterback] Drew Brees broke into his mom’s house and stole all the marshmallow yams and turkey sandwiches,” giggled Texans defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel. “It started as a prank, but it turned out to really help the team!”

“So, um, that was our plan all along, if anyone asks,” added a suddenly serious Crennel.

Spurred by this information, a visibly irate Watt recorded two sacks and numerous terrifying quarterback hurries. Witnesses report that at one point, Watt stood over Brees and whispered, “You know what you did, Drew Christopher. Today is your Atonement.”

He then bellowed “Woooooooo!” and punched an oak tree, which promptly snapped in half.


We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.