Two days after dropping out of the presidential race, Ted Cruz has announced his intentions to run for the newly available Indiana Pacers basketcoach position.

Pacers president Larry Bird announced Thursday that the Pacers would not be bringing back coach Frank Vogel. The vacancy immediately drew interest from Cruz, who has remained in Indiana to participate in the state’s great traditions of plowing corn stalks and throwing balls at basketball rings.


“There’s nothing more American than setting foot on that basketball wood,” Cruz told his throngs of supporters who’d gathered outside Pacers president Larry Bird’s office. “Mr. Bird, you can trust that I will return this team to the glory that our forefathers once knew.”

Bird then politely asked Cruz and his supporters to leave the premises, at which point Cruz challenged Bird to a “good old fashioned dribble match.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.