Duke sophomore Jake Willets was expelled today after school officials discovered that he had picked the 4-seed Duke to lose to Baylor in the Round of 32.
“We cannot have a non-believer of this magnitude on campus, it’s just not the Duke way,” said Duke Dean of Students Valerie Ashby. “I’m making some calls to make sure he doesn’t get admitted anywhere else because I don’t want any of my colleagues to go through such an ordeal.”
Willets was given five minutes to collect his personal belongings from his dorm, accompanied by several large security agents wearing sunglasses and “Cameron Crazies” polo shirts.
Since the news of Willets’ bracket came to light, over 2,000 op-eds have been written in The Chronicle, Duke’s daily student-run newspaper, pleading with school administrators for a harsher punishment than simple expulsion.
Said Willets, “I just thought Baylor’s guards matched well with our backcourt,” before getting chased off-campus by a chemistry professor wielding a beaker of hydrochloric acid.