Chaos erupted at the men’s individual archery event in Rio when a streaker sprinted across the field, straight into the crossfire of highly trained marksmen with lethal weapons.

The streaker, reportedly named Chad or something, immediately expressed regret for his decision.

“I’ve streaked through just about every nationally televised competition you could imagine,” Chad told reporters while plucking arrows from his thighs and torso. “World Series? Streaked it. Nathan’s Hot Dog Competition? Streaked it. World Series of Poker? Streaked it. But usually the worst case scenario is that I’m tackled and thrown in jail for a night. I’ve literally never once been shot with a bow, before today.”


After a night of rest in what Rio calls a “hospital”, Chad intends to get right back to his streaking ways, though he will steer clear of events involving weaponry of any sort.

“Trampoline, here I come!” said Chad, promising what is sure to be an unsettling display of airborne peen.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.