With their options at starting quarterback quickly running out, the Cleveland Browns are turning to a shy kid from Dillon, Texas – 16-year old high school sophomore Matthew “Matt” Saracen.

“Matt has a proven track record of stepping in when a starting QB suffers a sudden, devastating injury,” Browns owner Jimmy Haslam said. “We’re confident that Matt can lead us to a Texas high school state championship. He’s also already dating Hue Jackson’s daughter. So that’s a thing, I guess.”

Though some within the Browns organization worry that Saracen’s still-developing teenage body may not be able to handle the physical pummeling while playing in the NFL, the coaching staff is confident that he’ll at least last longer than RG III.

“I’m, uh, happy, or, uh, excited, sir,” stuttered Saracen in an endearingly awkward press conference. “I’m also scared. Very scared.”

Vegas odds-makers have placed the Browns’ chances of winning a single game this season at 200:1. The odds of Saracen learning an important lesson about what it means to be a man, however, are very high.

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.