Youth soccer coach Arnold Riley squinted his eyes and pursed his lips as Tommy, by far his worst player, received a trophy to mark the end of the Under-10 season.

“I just… ugh,” said a physically exhausted Riley. “He’s gonna put that thing on his mantle, and feel all proud of himself, and honestly, that makes me sick.”

According to press notes, Tommy failed to score a single goal or record an assist during the entire 12-game season for the New Bedford Orange Team. During the final game of the year, Tommy allowed opponents to score three goals in a span of eight minutes because he was waving at his mother or counting clouds.


“Apparently, he’s pretty good at singing,” offered an unconvincing Riley. “Maybe in a few years, they’ll give you a Grammy Award for trying to write a song.”

“Sorry, was that too mean?” he added.

Riley’s son, Arnold Jr., led the league in scoring and in being a little shit.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.