Now that the 2016 Olympics are over, Simone Biles is in rigorous training for an upcoming Subway commercial. Biles will be in rehearsal ten hours a day for the next three weeks.

“Fresh turkey and sweet vidalia onion sauce always wins a gold for me,” said Biles into a mirror. “Again!!” bellowed her coach, Aimee Boorman, who was standing inches away. “This time with a smile! The world loves a smile!!”

“Fresh turkey and sweet vidalia onion sauce always wins gold for me,” said Biles with a bit more enthusiasm. “Now point! Remember the point!” yelled Boorman.


Biles signed and tried again. “Fresh turkey and sweet vidalia onion sauce always wins gold for me!” said Biles while pleasantly pointing to the mirror. “Good, good,” said Boorman. “Now let’s do the “flip into fresh” line.”

Biles nodded and began the new line. People close to Biles say she has never eaten at a Subway in her life.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.