Having spent an entire decade preparing for a 16-day sports festival, the cost-conscious Rio Olympic Committee is now diligently trying to return its billions of dollars-worth of stadiums and sports equipment.

“It’s like when you buy a dress for a wedding, but you leave the tag on, so you can return it the next day,” said Carlos Arthur Nuzman, Brazil’s IOC representative. “Otherwise, what the hell was all this for? Haha, two weeks, and that’s it? That would be insane!”

Nuzman and his committee kept all their receipts for the Aquatics Center, the Track & Field Stadium, and the Dressage Dance-a-thon Groove Zone. Nuzman even has anonymous hand-written receipts from all IOC members, who generously accepted lower-than-average bribes in order to keep costs down.

“We’re giving it all back. Break it all down, and use it as scrap metal for all we care,” said Nuzman, to no one. “Or just have the Olympics here in Rio every four years. That would at least make financial sense, since we have all the infrastructure.

“But ohhhh, then you wouldn’t be able to bilk a whole new city into building all this stuff,” Nuzman continued. “I finally understood what the Olympics is all about. Wow. Hashtag adulting.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.