Earlier today, the International Olympic Committee addressed concerns over the quality of the sea, river, and lake water in Rio de Janeiro. The IOC executive board claimed that the symptoms displayed by athletes-in-training were not the result of water toxicity or infection, but the first stages of a genetic mutation caused by a biochemical compound they put in the water to make the Olympic athletes super powerful.

“It’s called GeneX. We have been working on it for years; it’s actually how we sold our bid to host the Olympic Games to the IOC,” said Rio mayor Eduardo Paes. “The side effects are minor.”

Athletes have reported symptoms including: STAPH infections, stomach viruses, new limbs, and super alopecia.

Thomas Bach, IOC president, further elaborated on this exciting new addition to the games: “GeneX was designed to both enhance the physical prowess of the athletes and to give them new abilities. None of that weak-ass stuff like being able to self-destruct, controlling sea creatures, or excreting tar from your pores.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.