Robert Griffin III’s stint with the Cleveland Browns got off to a wildly unfortunate start Thursday, as the quarterback broke his right wrist in seventeen places while signing his new contract.

Even more unfortunately for the Browns, RG III’s injury occurred just as he was writing the final Roman numeral in his name, which, according to NFL bylaws, made the contract official.

“Ah goddamnit,” Browns owner Jimmy Haslam sighed while RG III received medical attention from his traveling personal medical staff. “I guess we should’ve seen this coming.”


Vowing to recover as quickly as possible, a nearly fainting RG III gave Haslam a left-handed handshake, thereby breaking every bone in his left arm.

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