Reporters have begun to shift nervously in their seats and eye the exits as Rex Ryan’s postgame press conference has now entered its third hour. The last question was asked two hours and twenty minutes ago.
“God, this feels so good,” Ryan said. “So, so good. Who wants to see my Bill Belichick impression?”
Ryan then broke into the fourth rendition of his Belichick impression, which consists of pulling his sweater vest over his head like it’s a hoodie and muttering, “No more questions. No more questions.”
“Ha ha ha! Just kidding. I have time for a few more questions,” the coach continued. “Somebody ask me something. You, ask me something.”
The reporter that Ryan was pointing at began to ask a question about whether he could go home and see his family, but Ryan cut him off.
“Hey, remember how everybody thought I was gonna get fired?” he asked. “Well, fire this! Did you hear that? I just farted. Fire this! Ha ha! Who has more questions?”
“I’ve got a lot more material I want to get through,” Ryan went on. “But I would be remiss not to give my brother Rob some podium time. Get on up here, Rob!”
Rob Ryan then bounded joyfully up to the podium as the assembled reporters groaned quietly.