The Buffalo Bills have hit a milestone in gender equality in sports upon hiring Kathryn Smith, the first full-time female coach in NFL history. The deserved adulation heaped on head coach Rex Ryan led to a frank and open discussion of his hiring policies.

“I don’t care if you’re a woman or a man, tall or short, from Earth or from Mars or from that new planet,” Rex stated at a press conference. “If you can help us win football games or bring snacks or happen to be related to me by blood, you’re in.”

Ryan then went on to explain Smith’s deep knowledge of football strategy and her contributions as a Bills staff member for the last seven years. He also noted that his brother Rob Ryan, also recently hired, checked two of Rex’s most important boxes.


“Yes, we share the same parents, but more importantly, he has one of the best football minds I’ve ever worked with and his car trunk was filled with beef jerky, popcorn, and Junior Mints,” the elder Ryan brother stated. “Also, Kathryn Smith knows a f*ck-ton about football.”

“The fact that [Smith] got this job without bringing so much as a cut-up orange to the interview speaks volumes of her football acumen,” Ryan added.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.