The Buffalo Bills finally got the message: give the people what they want!

Outspoken defensive genius coach Rex Ryan has been instructing his team all week on how to pick up their opponents mid-play and bodyslam them down through a cheap folding table taken from a nearby tailgate.

“I was walking through the parking lot before last game, as I do every week, and I saw a possibly inebriated 300-pounder throw his buddy through a table,” Ryan mused. “Everyone in the area went nuts for it!”

“And I thought, huh. There can’t possibly be an NFL rule against doing that. So here we are,” added Ryan.

To enhance the technique, team officials have been replacing the Bills’ water jugs with a 50/50 combination of Red Bull and Jägermeister. And yes, that combination is exactly as revolting during a full-contact football practice as you remember it being from high school.

“Coach, I don’t feel so hot,” said woozy Bills quarterback Tyrod Taylor, just as assistant coach Rob Ryan blindsided him with a folding chair.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.