Sources inside the Seattle Seahawks camp have confirmed that the entire offensive playbook is filled completely with squiggly lines, indicating the many ways Russell Wilson can scramble each play.

“We realized pretty quickly that Russell is incapable of running in straight lines, so we were forced to design all our plays to look like one giant labyrinth,” said Seahawks coach Pete Carroll.


“I feel really fortunate to be working in an offense that caters to my skills,” said Wilson. “For example, that reflex in the body that makes people feel dizzy when they spin around 100 times in a row, I don’t have that. And that’s why this offense works so well.”

Similar to their offensive playbook, the Seahawks defensive playbook is incredibly simple. The entire book is one page that says, “Kam Chancellor hits the ball carrier really hard.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.