Reports out of Cleveland, Ohio are indicating that Kyrie Irving is really not a fun person to break up with.

“I don’t understand why he’s being like this,” said Cleveland resident Mark Bender. “Why is he being so mean? HE was the one who broke up with US. Now he’s acting like we hurt his feelings or something.”

“I’ve gone through mature, adult breakups before. This is not one of them,” said Annemarie Rosenkrantz. “It takes a certain kind of asshole to dump you and then, on his way out the door, stop and list all the things he doesn’t like about you.”

Why are you doing this, Kyrie?


Cleveland said that they hope Kyrie and his new city are happy together, but that they are considering emailing Boston just to warn it about him.

“Boston deserves to know what kind of guy they’re dealing with here. I just don’t want to see another city get hurt unnecessarily,” said Louise Felton. “Like, fine, get together with Kyrie Irving. He’s a great basketball player and I’m sure it’ll be great while it lasts. But they should just know that when it all goes south he’s the kind of guy who’s going to painstakingly explain why your taste in movies is bad and insult your parents a bunch.”

Kyrie, when asked for comment, began listing all his least favorite restaurants in Cleveland.

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*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.