Exciting news out of the San Antonio Spurs camp: All-Star forward Kawhi Leonard is possibly — not definitely, but there’s a distinct possibility of it happening — thinking about saying his first word in the middle of a game this season.

“We had a scrimmage last year, where we thought he said ‘I’m open’ under his breath,” said head coach Gregg Popovich. “Turned out he was just clearing his throat, but we all felt very encouraged. He’s so polite.”


Upon hearing the news, media outlets stormed Kawhi Leonard’s locker room looking for a post-practice quote. After 15 tense minutes of silence, Leonard drew universal praise for his succinct eloquence with the statement, “We’re excited.”

Leonard’s next game will be the most hotly-anticipated NBA contest since 2001, when Rasheed Wallace claimed he could play one offensive possession per game without calling his opponent “a raggedy bitch.” He never followed through on this promise.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.