Spurs star Tim Duncan is pulling out all the stops to ensure his beloved franchise, the San Antonio Spurs, lands prized free agent Kevin Durant. Duncan has reportedly organized an absolutely delightful artisanal tasting menu to woo the four-time scoring champion.

The meeting will begin with an exchange of pleasantries between Durant and his family and Duncan, coach Gregg Popovich, and other key members of the Spurs organization, all over a pan seared oyster appetizer, lightly tossed in a unique blend of sweet togarashi sauce and habanero peppers Duncan grew in his backyard last season.

Afterward, the Spurs will inform Durant of their sterling reputation as a talent-friendly organization in a fantastic city in which to raise children, all while munching on Duncan’s special pineapple-infused tuna carpaccio, topped with lemongrass and diced caramelized cippolini onions.


Finally, Durant and Spurs GM R. C. Buford will discuss contract terms, a potentially uncomfortable conversation that will be eased by a homemade citrus curd cake with buttercream frosting, a dessert inspired by the cuisine of Duncan’s homeland, the U.S. Virgin Islands.

According to sources close to Duncan, the 19-year veteran will not partake in the tasting menu, opting instead to drink tap water and eat raw vegetables very politely and professionally.

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