After blowouts in nearly all games thus far, the US Men’s Basketball team has been bestowed the unique privilege of being able to enjoy craft service bagels and coffee while playing defense in future exhibitions during the Rio Games.

The bagels will be a mix of plain, garlic, and cinnamon-raisin, and are being shipped from New York City (after a strongly-worded request from Carmelo Anthony). The coffee will be locally sourced from Brazil — but decaffeinated to avoid any performance enhancement, which would be largely superfluous.

Olympic refs hope the treat will encourage the US players to kick back and relax a bit, letting the other team at least feel as though they might have a shot at victory.


Those involved in coordinating the game’s new element have hired a designated, unpaid “bagel boy” who will pass a bagel of a previously-chosen varietal to whichever player requests it throughout the game.

“It’ll definitely boost our already stratospheric confidence in the game, even if there aren’t any lox like I asked for,” said Anthony following the announcement. “They wouldn’t even give us lox- flavored spread. What is that? Weird, definitely weird, but a fun little treat nonetheless.”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.