FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Hello. It’s me, Stan Kroenke, your billionaire friend. I wanted to take a brief moment to reiterate my stance that I have no ill will towards the city of St. Louis or any of its people at this delicate time. I know tensions are high as there are many Rams’ fans that are bitterly disappointed that the team will be moving from the middle of nowh… the country… to sunny Los Angeles where economic growth is in an unprecedented boom. Please know this is just business, and as Americans, I ask you to respect the dogma of capitalism. You love Wal-Mart! Why don’t you love me? I’m Wal-Mart!

Listen, you have to understand, I am from Missouri – born and raised in Columbia, just 90 miles from St. Louis. I have enjoyed watching the Rams play in what was once the TransWorld Dome before, y’know, TWA no longer existed and we sold the naming rights to a subpar financial services company with no name brand. I liked that one time the Rams’ won the Super Bowl. I have had at least six nice dinners in St. Louis. St. Louis is not that bad, I guess!

See, it is just a very difficult time for Kroenke Enterprises. As you know, it is possible that Donald Trump will be elected President and he claims he will implement a billionaire tax – so I gotta make money quickly because they don’t grow that shit on trees, you know?! In LA we’re gonna make so much money; after all I own the land they’ll build the stadium on. Can you say Vertical Integration?

I grew up in a house full of Midwesterners. I believe that the Midwest is the heart and soul of the country – the place that makes America work. You people are the salt of the earth. Without salt, we’d all die. Does that mean you deserve a football team? Hell no, it doesn’t. But it does mean that I respect you, the way a king respects his serfs. A kingly respect. That’s a lot of respect!

I believe the City of St. Louis is an economically robust and important city for our nation. Big companies like Anheuser-Busch (sold to Belgians) and Purina (sold to the Swiss) are great for America. I mean they were greater before they sold out, but listen, we all sell out eventually. And that’s what I love about you St. Louis – you don’t sell out. You just keep pluckin’, pretending you are in control of your destiny. It’s adorable.


I have no ill will towards any of you. Am I glad to be out of that shithole? Oh, you bet your ass. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. I promise.

Yours,

Enos Stanley Kroenke

Owner of a lot of shit.

Also, I’m better than you.

 

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.