Gripping the podium with both hands at Thursday’s press conference, Puppy Bowl head coach Dan Puttner confronted his lost dreams and profound disenchantment.

“I could have been somebody,” Puttner was heard muttering to himself. “What happened to me?”

When asked to elaborate, Puttner explained that he had worked his way up from video coordinator to assistant offensive line coach at a small Division II college before being offered the Puppy Bowl job.

Adorable dog, destroyer of dreams (Getty)

Adorable dog, destroyer of dreams (Getty)

“I’d just been stuck in assistant positions for so long,” he said. “I figured any head coaching gig would be an opportunity to prove myself…”

Puttner then shook his head for what seemed like a very long time.

“Nobody takes me seriously,” he went on. “College programs won’t even look at the schemes I’ve drawn up for these puppies.”

“Are the puppies cute?” he added. “Of course they’re cute. Look at how cute they are. Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy, yes you are, yes you are… Sorry, what was the question?”

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.