Spurs coach Gregg Popovich knows how to get the most out of his team. Whether it’s yelling at a star player on the sidelines, or quietly explaining to a rookie what he did wrong, or even destroying the paint job of some jamoke opponent with a key, Popovich is a true master motivator.

Popovich was spotted at 4:32AM this morning “keying” the car of Warriors center/designated physical buffoon Zaza Pachulia. Pachulia, who will make close to $3 million this year, will surely be able to fix the car with minimal problems. But the psychological edge attained by the Spurs through what experts are now calling a “genius maneuver” is unquantifiable.

One of his few “genius” maneuvers.


“He doesn’t do this stuff for the praise or the media coverage,” explained a tearfully grateful Kawhi Leonard. “He does it for the right reasons. The pure reasons. And that reason is that Zaza Pachulia is an out of control lunatic menace who must be stopped.”

Assistant coach Becky Hammon also pitched in by covering Pachulia’s hotel toilet with Saran Wrap. Pachulia reportedly urinated directly onto the plastic wrap no fewer than six times during his stay in San Antonio without realizing anything was wrong.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.