With the sports world freaking out right now over some little digital picture, I think it’s time I addressed the elephant in the room. The question on everybody’s mind. And the answer is simple: YES, the ‘92 Olympic team’s penises were way bigger than the 2016 team’s.

There’s a reason we were called the ‘Dream Team.’ Here’s a hint: it’s because of how large our penises are. Kids today need to learn that you’ve got to earn the right to flash your penis around. You do that by winning championships, and also by being genetically blessed with an above average size penis. By those standards Draymond Green doesn’t qualify.

Yeah, I saw the picture. I happen to be president of the NBAPPPA (National Basketball Association Player Penis Picture Association) because I believe in the sanctity of phallic photography.

When I was playing we didn’t have snapchat or Twitter, so we couldn’t just go sending out our penis pics all willie nillie. PUN INTENDED! We had to get actual pictures developed through Kodak kiosks in the mall, then drop them in the mail. Luckily I mailed my genital pictures out in bulk to keep shipping costs down. Oh, I’m getting off track!

The point is, the Dream Team had an average penis length of 13.7 inches.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.